Sleep Like a Baby

The idiomatic expression “to sleep like a baby” is one that I didn’t used to question.  But after further examination, I realized that this idiom doesn’t make any sense at all. 

After a long day of hard work, people often say, “Man, I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight.”  If that’s true, they are going to be pretty unhappy come the morning. 

Babies are known to wake up for middle-of-the-night feedings and diaper changes.  They’re also known for waking up in tears, which is a problem I doubt most idiom-users encounter.

Babies are not the deepest of sleepers.  They’re quite light sleepers, in fact—just think of how quiet everyone in a house needs to be after a baby is put to bed.

So, unless you want to be fussy and tired the next day, you probably don’t want to sleep like a baby.

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush

It’s like those old toys, you know, the Jack-in-the-Box ones where you crank a lever to play a song and at a certain point a little clown guy comes bouncing out.

Only this new toy, Bird-in-the-Hand, is more of a game.  You see, it has more components than that old one.  In Bird-in-the-Hand, you collect Location Cards that represent all the places your Bird can go.  You have to collect all 20 Locations Cards before you can move on to the board game part, which is a lot like that other old game called Mouse Trap.  The goal is to be the first player to make it to the end of the board game and to activate the Rube Goldberg machine you've created along the way, which, if you do it right, should knock all the other players off the board.

Okay, so first you crank the lever on the side of the Hand.  As you crank it, the fingers will slowly uncurl.  You've got to be ready though, because at any time the fingers could fly open and throw something out of the Hand.  It’ll either be a Bird, a Fish, or a Worm.  You have to catch the object when it comes out—but only if it’s a Bird.  If you catch a Worm or a Fish, you lose a turn.

Once you've caught your Bird you move on to the next part, which is collecting the Location Cards.  This part is like that card game called Go Fish, except there are more rules.  You can only ask about a Location that you have 3 of, and once you get the 4^th you can exchange it for 4 new Location Cards.  There’s also a trading element, where you can trade an extra Bird for some different Location Cards.  My personal favorite thing to yell during this phase is, “a Bird-in-the-Hand is worth two In The Bush!”  I love it because it’s not an official rule, but it’s one that my dad always says, which is weird because he’s never played Bird-in-the-Hand before.  Anyways, that unofficial rule has helped me win quite a few games, so I guess my dad is some sort of Bird-in-the-Hand prodigy or something.

Apple of My Eye

“You’re the apple of my eye, darling,” Mark said on the cab ride home from the fancy restaurant, where he and his wife had had their fill of delicious food and quite a bit of wine.

“Oh yeah?  Well, you’re the banana of my life,” Evelyn said, slurring her words in spirited, and wine-induced, debate.

After an uncomfortable silence, Mark said, “What does that even mean?”

“What do you even mean?” Evelyn retorted, surprisingly fast for someone who appeared to be on the verge of falling asleep.

Mark, who hadn't had as much to drink, was starting to suspect that his beautiful wife had meant it as an insult. 

“Do you mean I’m the one who helps you get through the day when you skip breakfast?” Mark asked, in an unsuccessful attempt to lighten the mood.

“No, I mean that you weren't ripe when I chose you, and now you’re all mushy and old.”  Evelyn giggled and poked at Mark’s belly as she said this.  It was her own twisted way of lightening the mood, which Mark knew after 10 years of marriage.

They rode in silence for a minute before Mark said, “Really, Evelyn, you are the apple of my eye.”

“Really, babe, I hate apples and I don’t like being compared to one,” Evelyn said, closing her eyes and leaning her head against Mark’s chest.

“It’s just an expression, doll.  It doesn't mean you’re like an apple in any way, it just means that I love you,” Mark explained.

“Then why don’t you call me something else?” Evelyn said.  After a pause, she added, “I like mangoes.”

“Fine,” Mark said.  “You’re the mango of my soul.”

Evelyn looked up at him and smiled, then snuggled back against his chest and thought about how lucky she was to have married a man such as Mark.